Confettis of words

the bits and sketches in life


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113 A Thousand Senses

The girls kidnapped us on the sixteenth night of summer.

We were on our way home from one of our concerts when they took the five of us, effortlessly. Our van was speeding, passing through the empty street, then suddenly, it stopped. We didn’t feel any bump or commotion caused by the brake. It just felt like the car refused to continue moving, as if it had a mind of its own. But we were too exhausted (being on stage for three hours always drains our energy out) to check what actually stopped our car. We didn’t move an inch from our seat.

A strange kind of silence filled the air.

“Guys, did you hear that?” Jonghyun, the most sensitive among us, broke the silence.
“Hear what?” I opened my eyes, but all I could see was fog. Fog of fluorescent colours, blocking my view. I couldn’t even locate where my members were.

“I think I just heard … something’s coming.” Jjong’s sentence confused me, and when I was about to answer him again, I fell into a deep, inscrutable sleep.

The next days were surreal. Somewhere between imagination and reality, we woke up everday not knowing what day it was and where we exactly were. We just knew we were there in the moment, with the girls who took us away.

We ran around, feeling the grass stinging our bare feet. We let the sunshine burn our skin. Minho got even more tanned, his complexion glowed so beautifully against the blue, cloudless sky. We drank to satisfy every fiber of our being. Getting high in a rock gig, dancing in an abandoned warehouse, sharing cigarettes. We did so many things that had never occured in our mind before.

“We should’ve done this since a long time ago!”, Jjong chuckled in the midst of thick smoke and broken bottles of beer.

We didn’t want to be freed. We enjoyed doing everything and nothing like this.
“Maybe they’re witches and we’re all bewitched”, Kibum once joked about this.
“Maybe they are”, I replied. Yet we savoured every second with them — we wished it could be eternal.

I think we were drunk by the pool at that time when Taemin said, in a croaky voice, “I wanna live like this, forever.” Sobbing, what he always does when he’s too drunk, he laid his head on my shoulder.

I gently patted his head, caressing his soft lavender hair. “I feel the same way, Taem. Same.”

Come to think of it, I can’t really recall the girls’ faces. Except for Freia. She was the kind of beauty that would be carved in your mind once you saw her. I was too shy to look at her, but once or twice I stole the chance. Her eyes were transparent green, her lips blooming in colours of flowers. Whenever she’s around, her voice lingered on my skin and it made me nervous.

Freia danced with the wind. She sang with the moon. She healed me when I fell and scratched and bled. She made sure I was comfortable everytime the sun was too bright for my pale skin. She was here and also there. She existed with summer. She was the summer.

“Do you wanna go home?” she asked as she’s sitting next to me. The heat of the night was suffocating, and her being so close to me didn’t help either.

“I don’t know, do you still want to be with us?” I hoped she didn’t sense the agitation in my voice. For the first time, we looked at each other in the eyes.

“As long as you don’t break the spell …”

“What spell?” I noticed how her eyes were not only hypnotizing but also lonely and anxious.

She held my eyes with her stare. Silence, but then she smiled weakly, “I can’t tell it.” She stood up, leaving me restless for the rest of the night.

After several nights, I didn’t think about it again. The days were ticking away, and we continued living our younger days that were once taken from us. There wasn’t any sign for the summer to end. We didn’t mind. However, just like they said, all good things must come to an end.

Freia was getting more beautiful each day. My eyes were always looking for her, and I knew I could always find her wherever she went. And one day I couldn’t contain this feeling anymore.

“This is the best food in the world.” We were sitting outside, leaning against the grafitti wall. Our dinner tonight was a spicy noodle we bought from a street vendor. Been a long time since I had street food and could eat outside freely like this.

“Jinki, you have the most sincere smile I’ve ever seen,” she smiled, her lips curled into a shape of crescent. I blushed and almost dropped the bowl in my hand, making her laugh.
Her laughter was the melody I had always wanted to sing. This is the right time, I thought. “Freia,” I whispered her name as I moved forward, touching her lips with mine. “You’re such a beautiful view.” Our bodies were so close I was basking in the sweetness of her scent. I felt all kinds of impressions tingling all over my body.

She screamed.

“Noooo, Jinki, why did you do that?” she pushed me away. Her piercing scream made the others shift their attention from their dinner to us. Kibum stood up and came toward us, “Hey guys, anything wrong?”

“I’m sorry, Freia, I shouldn’t have done …” but before I finished my sentence, I felt a sudden weight in my head and heart. Was that …. “Freia, did I …”

“You did, you broke the spell.” Tears were running down her cheeks. In seconds, her figure cracked, broken into thousands of colorless pieces. I reached out my hand to hold her but touched nothing. I looked at my members, but they froze before turning translucent and disappearing. All of my senses suddenly became numb.

I woke up in my own bed, drenched in sweat and feeling unusually fatigue. My cellphone rang, it was Jonghyun.

“Hyung, what time will you arrive at the studio?” There’s weariness in his voice too. I wanted to ask whether he had the same lengthy dream, but afraid of being ridiculed at, I refrained from letting the curiosity out. It was the seventeenth day of summer.

I kept myself occupied with practice and recording in order to forget about the scenes and the time we spent with the girls. The days went on as usual, although sometimes — maybe I was being delusional — I could smell her presence around.

Freia. Maybe she’s not real, but her name will always stay inside me.

The days get colder, as the colors grow warmer. Autumn is almost here in Seoul.


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103 “30 Days Writing Challenge” Day 12

5 Blessings in My Life

Family

My family isn’t perfect. Sometimes we argue, sometimes we fight. However, they’ve made me who I am, and I’m truly grateful for that. I couldn’t imagine growing up with another family, and I don’t want to ♡

Best friends

I’m a kind of person who doesn’t trust other people easily, but when I do, I wholeheartedly trust them. People whom I consider best friends now are those I could always rely on, those who could understand me and take me as I am. They mean so much to me. Thus, they can be sure that I’ll always be there for them whenever needed, through ups and downs.

My enthusiasm to always learn

I wasn’t always on the top rank in the class, and I didn’t always get the highest GPA during my college days. Yet I’ve realized my strength is my enthusiasm to always learn, even after I graduated. This characteristic of mine also helps me to overcome any problem that I encountered at work. So I guess this is something that I should be thankful for, yes?

My job

I can say teaching is the job that suits me the most because it requires me to never stop learning. I’ve been teaching for almost seven years, and despite the common problems like troubling kids or curriculum disagreement, so far I still enjoy my job ✌

Food and comfortable bed everyday

Simple things but we often take them for granted. Be grateful for warm food and comfy bed everyday because not everyone can enjoy this luxury.

Next post will be about things I’m excited about! 😊


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101 “30 Day Writing Challenge” Day 10

Something I feel strongly for.

When I wrote my undergraduate thesis about gay literature, I read many books and references about the issues of homosexuality. And when I continued my study, I wrote about transgender identity in Breakfast in Pluto for my postgraduate thesis. Since then, I have this special concern for gender and sexuality issues.

The first thing that I did when I was finally aware about the issues is to reflect. Have I used offensive language to the LGBT people before? Have I in a way underestimated their life and choices? So basically, I started with myself. Now I don’t want to use the words ‘bencong’ or ‘banci’ because I’ve realized how offensive those words could be.

I’ve also written several academic articles on women’s issues that I hope will help people understand more about women and their problems. Not only for academic environment, I also try to open any discussion about gender in my class or in my social media. Furthermore, I hope to hear more about the experience from the LGBT people themselves.

For now, I’m focusing on masculinity and its relation to other aspects in life. Why masculinity? Because I think men at the same are also burdened by the necessity of being masculine or else they’ll not be considered ‘real men’. A possible topic for a dissertation maybe?

Next topic: something you always think ‘what if …’ about

 


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100 “30 Day Writing Challenge” Day 9

Words of Wisdom that Speak to Me

I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape – from Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

I always dearly keep these words in my heart. So everytime I feel so crushed when facing problems, I’ll remember that all of these tough times will make me a better person than before.

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give – Winston Churchill

We’ve always been taught that we should be successful, we should be rich so we can always buy what we want. I don’t think it’s completely wrong, yet I believe there’s something more to life. It’s not always about what we can get, but it’s about what we can give. I try to always give back to the world. Maybe not much, but I hope it can make the world a bit better and maybe give a little hope to other people 🙂

Next post: something I feel strongly about.


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99 “30 Day Writing Challenge” Day 8

Share something you struggle with. 

I don’t wanna sound too melancholy at all, but I think I have to be honest in my writing. First of all, I’d like to underline I don’t mean to self-diagnose myself. I’m not an expert in psychology so I don’t think what I feel shouldn’t be taken as a form of diagnosis. This is just what I’ve experienced and something that I still fight with sometimes.

In 2014 and early 2015, I was suffering from GERD. You might think it only affected my digestion system, but in fact, it also brought such an unexpected impact to my psychological condition. I had to go to the hospitals back and forth because of my disease. I went to several doctors who prescribed me with a lot of meds, but it seemed none of them really worked. It had made me really, really exhausted. And it took four to five months until I really recovered.

What I meant by psychological effect is that all that happened has caused me such anxiety. I was afraid I couldn’t fully recover. I was anxious if it would hit me again. I also had become really anxious not only about my health but also almost about everything. Sometimes I cried at night for no particular reasons. Only because I felt really drained and tired. I also once thought I should go to the psychologist to help me with this anxiety.

How about now? Thank God I feel much, much happier now. I can work happily and do many other activities I used to be scared of (I even once got so afraid to take public transportation on my own). Sometimes when I have nothing particular to do, the anxiety creeps in, trying to haunt me with eerie, negative thoughts. However, I guess now I have a stronger wall to protect myself from it 🙂

Tomorrow: some words of wisdom that speak to me.

 


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96 “30 Day Writing Challenge” Day 5

List 5 places you want to visit

1. Venice

People say Venice is not as beautiful as it’s seen in the photo, but I still wanna visit it! Probably because I read too many books set in Venice (Brideshead Revisited and The Thief Lord) that have shaped this image in my head that it’s a beautiful, magical city.

2. London

What attracts me the most about London is the museums! I wanna go there only for the museums, such as British Museum, National Gallery and Natural History Museum. Watching some indie gigs would be fun too!

3. Santorini

Who doesn’t want to go to Santorini? Blue sky, clear sea and relaxing atmosphere: what else do you need? (money to go there, duh)

4. Osaka

I’ve been to Japan several times, yet I haven’t got the time to visit Osaka. I just wanna stroll down the street and enjoy the scenery, and oh, watch a mega-scale concert in Kyocera Dome.

5. Wales

I don’t exactly know where to go to Wales, actually, but I really want to. It’s a land of song and poetry, and since I’m a romantic person deep down at heart, I feel the need to experience living like a Romantic poet.

Next: five ways to win my heart, hmmmm 🙂


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95 “30 Day Writing Challenge” Day 4

Write about someone who inspires you.

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I think it’s universally known that the person who inspires me is Jung Yunho, the leader of TVXQ. He’s taught me that the toughest times might break you but you can still always rise and strive to be the best. He’s always full of dedication to everything that he does, even in the army. He’s a hardworking person who never gives up and never badmouths people who have hurt him and TVXQ. Also, despite his hectic schedule as an idol, he still has time for charity and other good deeds. I admire Jung Yunho and how I wish I could be like him 🙂

(Ugh, I could write an essay about how much I adore this kind-hearted, charismatic, yet so cute man)(Hey, I think I’ve written it, here)

What’s next for tomorrow? Five places I want to visit, yayyyy!